This read is for anyone who might one day have, or just recently had a C-section. This is also for coaches who’ve felt unsure how to navigate recovery, or how to guide a student safely back into movement after C-section. Please share it with anyone who could benefit from this.

Trigger warning: The first part of this blog includes a portion of my birth story. If that feels like too much, feel free to skip ahead to the second section: Recovery.

My C-Section Story

Birth not going to plan is common.

One morning, at 34 weeks, I had an unsettled feeling and the baby had not had her normal morning flurry of movement. I drank caffeinated coffee, ate chocolate and fruit. All things that would have got her doing cartwheels inside, but instead she lay quiet. Feeling nervous, I went into the local maternity unit to make sure everything was ok with her. I was in a room divided by curtains with other preggos getting checked. The CCG showed that she was in fact in distress. A nurse promptly took me upstairs to a private room to do “further monitoring”. But as soon as I sat down, in rushed four doctors, my birth team, who announced that the baby would need to be born within the hour if we wanted to ensure that she survived.

Good bye water birth in my living room with my trapeze hanging over the birth pool.

My partner arrived quickly and in hand he had my birth plan . .. the “back up plan “, the one I made and thought/hoped I wouldn’t need. And he said, it’s ok. You planned for this too. It was what I needed to sign the papers for the anesthesiologists to administer the epidural and begin the whirlwind that followed. But my back up birth plan did not include the possibilities that the baby would be in distress, which meant . .

No soft lighting

No intimate setting

No delayed cord clamping

No skin to skin

No first nursing

I sort of got my playlist, played from my partner’s phone next to my ear.

But what still hurts is that I did not get to hold my daughter when she was born.

I didn’t even get to see her face. She was wearing a breathing mask, held in front of me for a few seconds before being whisked away to the NICU and there I lay empty and open to a room of strangers.

And here is where the new part of the journey began. Pulling myself back together again both emotionally and physically. I am grateful that I was able to build a team to help mend me; this included a birth trauma therapist, and a pilates instructor who specializes in postpartum care.

For me, with patience and awareness, I am 95 % back to pre-pregnancy strength, but I have far surpassed my pre-pregnancy body with new found micro awareness and control of my core. I believe that in a few more months I might be stronger than I have ever been.

I wanted to share a bit about my story, and to share some practical things which I found useful in my own recovery journey. I am not an expert in the field of postpartum recovery and the information I am presenting is not medical advice. What’s shared here is meant to encourage and give some practical information. Everyone’s recovery will be unique to them, and based on their body, health and specifics to their own birth, I also encourage you to find your own team of specialists to help in your own healing process.

Recovery

The First 6 Weeks: Rest & Don’t Panic

I know, I know—after already taking a hit on training time, the last thing you want to hear is that you need to rest even MORE. But trust me on this one: rushing your recovery can make things worse.

Your body has been through major surgery. All medical guidance out there suggests a full six weeks of rest. A previous version of me would have done some sneaky conditioning to expedite me getting back in the air. But the hard knocks of my own full fertility journey taught me to have a little more patience, and also to heed the advice of my medical team. So I abided by this guideline and I’m happy I did.

You might feel wobbly, weak, tired—like your body isn’t your own. I promise, this won’t last forever. Think of yourself like a donut: there’s a hole in the middle, nothing holding you together. It will take time to rebuild that strength.

BUT if you must do something, here are 2 safe things to focus on:

1. Posture Awareness

Has pregnancy shifted your posture?—hello, anterior pelvic tilt! The weight of your belly and breasts pulled you forward, and now your ligaments (thanks, relaxin) are stretched out like old rubber bands. Plus, the sensation of your incision might make you want to hunch forward in a subconscious attempt to protect it.

Add in all the time spent nursing or feeding while slumped over, and… yeah. Your posture probably needs some love.Working on your posture will help with your body awareness and begin to rebuild your strength in a safe way. At random points in my day, while standing, sitting or even walking I would bring my mind to my posture.

Try these:

Mirror love
✅ Check yourself in the mirror (with love!). You probably think you’re standing up straight—but are you?
✅ Make sure your head isn’t jutting forward.
✅ Exhale, pull your ribs in and down.
✅ Engage your pelvic floor (like you’re stopping a pee).
✅ Lengthen your lower back by dropping your tailbone and drawing your belly toward your spine.

The Circle Image

Imagine a circle of energy that pulls your alignment back together.

✅The front of the circle pulls your pubic bone up and sends the energy up

✅The top of the circle settles your shoulders down

✅The back of the circles slides your shoulder blades down

✅The bottom of the circle drops your tail . . and you are back to the front

The Zipper

While standing imagine a zipper that starts right at your crotch and zips up to your head. Zip is slowly from bottom to top thinking of the two sides of your body sealing together.

You can just do these whenever you think of it. Begin to bring awareness back into your body.

2. Lateral Breathing

During pregnancy, you likely developed some funky breathing patterns—maybe chest breathing because, well, there was no room for your lungs to expand! Now’s the time to reset that which will help ease your nervous system and rebuild strength

Lateral breathing helps re-engage your abs, strengthens your core, and brings more air into your system.

Try this:
🫁 Inhale and imagine your ribs expanding outward (like you’re filling up your back with air).
🫁 Keep your belly button pulled toward your spine as you exhale and feel your ribs squeeze back in.

Why is this important?
✨ Helps reawaken your core.
✨ Reduces stress and calms your nervous system.
✨ Supports pelvic floor health

This phase is all about patience, awareness, and setting the foundation for a strong return. Your aerial practice will still be there when you’re ready—take care of yourself now so you can come back even stronger! 💪✨

___________________________________________________________________

From 6 Weeks On—Start SLOWLY!

The day I hit my six-week mark, I laced up my running sneakers and went for an aggressive walk. Not running (that’s not allowed yet), but I was determined to get moving. I walked for hours each day.

By day three? Excruciating back pain.

Why? I forgot step one: Posture.

I thought I was good—ready to go, strong, clear. But with my baby strapped to my front, my core wasn’t ready to support me. My ribs were flaring forward a lot, and I didn’t even realize it. Once I slowed my pace, and worked on my posture awareness while lateral breathing, the pain was gone within a few days.

Lesson learned: If something hurts, don’t push through it. Your body is talking to you—listen.

Scar Massage

Sounds nice, right? A little oil, some gentle rubbing? Nope. Scar massage is NOT glamorous—it can be intense physically and also emotionally if you have trauma around your c-section experience.

But it can be such a helpful part of the recovery process. Here’s why: You’re an aerialist. You’ve most likely spent time rolling around on a physio ball or peanut at some point. And you may have felt that burning, tearing feeling in a particularly tight area. This is the feeling of the fascia peeling away from the muscle where it had previously been sticky. Fascia needs to move freely and glide over our muscles.

The Anatomy of a C-Section

You didn’t just get one incision—you got seven.

1. The first three are horizontal (through skin, fat, and fascia).
   
2. The next four are vertical (through abdominal muscles, peritoneum, uterus, and amniotic sac).
   

Once healed (around six weeks), it is deemed safe to start scar massage to prevent adhesions.

Think about it: Your fascia has basically been sewn to the skin and muscle. And you need to break this up again. If it doesn’t move freely, it’ll limit your range of motion and make skills like waist wraps and front balances excruciating.

How to Do It:
🚫 No oil (yet). You want dry hands so you can actually pull on the skin. Save the oils for afterward as a little reward.

🔍 There are great YouTube tutorials out there, but here are a few techniques I personally used (and sometimes still do!):

• Circles: Use two fingers to draw firm circles (as deep as you can handle) along the scar. Go over and under the full length of it.
  
• Diagonal Pulls: One hand pulls up and to the right, the other down and to the left. Switch directions.
  

At first, you might have numb spots or areas that zing when you touch them. That’s normal—your nerves are still rebuilding. With time, this will ease up.

Exercises to Ease Back In

Wall Sit

• Stand with your back against a wall.
  
• Step your feet forward slightly.
  
• Bend your knees and press your entire back against the wall.
  
• Drop your tailbone, pull belly button to spine and flatten your ribs – Take some lateral breaths!
  

All Fours Hold

At first, being on hands and knees can feel as hard as a full plank. I remember my arms trembling, feeling so weak, just trying to keep my back flat.

If this feels difficult—that’s okay. You are a donut. You won’t be one forever.

Bent Arm Hang

• A great way to rebuild arm strength before jumping back into inversions.
  
• Tip: Don’t rush inversions! Rebuild your core and bent-arm strength first. The full invert will come later.
  

Here’s to Your C-Section Recovery!

This process is a marathon, not a sprint—but you will get there. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and trust that your strength will return. 💪✨

The post So You Had a C-Section… Now What? appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

I’m not alone in this; I’ve noticed that many aerialists share a similar lifestyle—one that’s incredibly packed! I want to delve into this concept and explore how it intersects with my aerial practice and fertility journey.

In my previous blog I talked about the fear of becoming a mother. Here I’ll talk about the first trimester and that fear more realized.

I’m currently navigating my sixth pregnancy, if you don’t know my story, no I don’t have a hoard of children. I’ve never made it to the point of having a live birth, though I’ve spent a seemingly enormous amount of time being pregnant over the past 3 years. With each of my pregnancies, I didn’t slow down, not before, during or after the losses, until now, with number six.

On learning of the loss of my first pregnancy, what was my immediate reaction? I headed straight to the studio and created a piece about it, with my husband composing the accompanying music. Our mutual art became a powerful means for both of us to navigate and process our grief. For me, moving my body has proven to be one of the most effective ways to move through and process emotions.

Aerial is my outlet, my income, and in some ways has become an integral part of my identity. And thus I approached each pregnancy much like I do most of my life, with this mantra, “how much can I fit in before . . .”

If you’ve participated in our Remote Teacher Training, you’ll be familiar with all the reference videos that are part of the course. Many of the Level 1 rope and silks videos featuring me were filmed during my first pregnancy, and Level 2 lyra and trapeze videos, including the full beats section, were filmed during my fourth pregnancy.

Each loss propelled me into a flurry of further action based response. I underwent every possible test through multiple private healthcare practitioners, seeking to unravel the mystery of what was going on. I did blood work of every kind and hormone analysis. I had a hysteroscopy of my womb and ultrasounds of my ovaries. I replaced my undergarments with organic ones, eliminated all chemicals from my home, and invested in a water purification system. I worked privately with a nutritionist, kinesiologist, pilates instructor and spent loads of money on supplements. I even took out my nose ring because I was told the metal interrupts my meridian lines. I took progesterone tablets and low dose aspirin (the NHS form of support for multiple miscarriages). I delved into books and blogs of various kinds in search of answers, only to find that all tests indicated I was 100% healthy. Nothing I did made a difference. The cause was chalked up to “a bad roll of the dice with an older body.”

The term “older body” struck a chord. My great grandmother had five children, two of whom were born when she was over 40. Babies born to women over 40 aren’t a new phenomenon solely attributable to changes in the workforce (perhaps a topic for another blog—staying on point!).

Throughout this entire journey, I consistently felt a twinge of desire to train, to make progress, and be as fit as possible before reaching the point in pregnancy where I knew I would need to ease off a bit.

As an instructor, I always emphasize to my expecting students, the importance of listening to their bodies. I advise against attempting to up-level during pregnancy or trying new skills. Instead, stick to what you know and listen to your body. Here I am in my fifth pregnancy training. To be honest, I felt perfectly fine doing so and had no signs indicating a need to slow down.

Following this loss, I sought the guidance of a Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctor. She asserted that she could balance my hormones and to my surprise also improve egg quality. This contradicted what others had told me, insisting that egg quality was fixed based on age and life decisions. What was equally refreshing was her statement, “oh, you have time.” She prescribed a three-month period of not actively trying to conceive to allow my womb to rest and heal, along with weekly acupuncture sessions and a daily intake of a rather unpleasant-tasting tea.

After the prescribed rest period, she gave the green light to resume trying. Enter baby #6. At a session when I was about six weeks pregnant, I asked her opinion about plane travel during pregnancy. I had been offered an exciting opportunity to work with Aloft Circus Arts Professional Training Program in Chicago, but I had reservations about plane travel, considering it risky in the first trimester. She matter-of-factly assured me that it would be fine, but then she picked up my backpack from the floor.

“This is too heavy!” she said. “If you are going to travel, you must not carry a heavy bag. And also, you shouldn’t lift your bag into the overhead compartment. It’s not good to reach your arms up high.”

Excuse me? I really didn’t think my bag was heavy at all, and reaching my arms up high?

I then showed her a video of what I do, which she had no idea about.

She shook her head. “No, you can’t do that.”

We’ve all heard people telling women what they can and can’t do. While I firmly believe in listening to my own body, I was also seeking her medical advice, and I thought it would be useful for her to clarify more.

“Well, can I go running?”

“No.”

“Can I lift weights?”

“No.”

“Can I do abs?”

“What do you mean by that?” she asked.

I showed her an example of abs on the acupuncture table.

“No, not that either.”

“What can I do?”

“You can walk. And don’t drink cold liquids, and don’t sit on the floor; it puts too much pressure on your womb. Sit in chairs only. Keep your feet and legs warm.

“For how long is that all I’m allowed to do, or rather not do these things?”

“For the first trimester at least.”

So I left with my new batch of Chinese herbs and a question. Should I follow her advice for the first trimester?

Why not?

“There is a saying: ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.’”

I reached out to Aloft and, despite being in the early stages of pregnancy, shared my news as a way to explain that I’d need to make a plan to adapt my workshops and how I’d be working with the protrack students. Their response was incredibly supportive. I also informed the Professional Program Students about my situation, emphasizing that I had a sensitive passenger and that I was following strict orders from my doctor. Throughout the week, they ensured there was a chair next to me, and when I went to demonstrate something, they would ask, “Are you sure?” and patiently let me explain instead. Breaking the habit of constant activity was challenging, but having the students caring so much about me was so wonderfully supportive and encouraging.

There was a part of me that felt like a fraud for not demonstrating. Much of my instructional practice is deeply rooted in somatics, with me being kinesthetic learner myself. When a student has a question where I don’t have an immediate answer to hand, I often say, “Give me one moment,” and work my way through the skill, then say, “Ah, I see your problem.” What I really mean is, “Ah, I FEEL your problem.”

I also saw many rad aerialists in Chicago and I just wanted to play with them!

Being grounded challenged me significantly as an instructor. Reflecting on my early days in the Bay Area when I was still a fledgling instructor, I remembered watching my senior, Helene Turcotte, a 20-year veteran performer then turned instructor who NEVER demonstrated. She calmly talked her students through the movements, and her students thrived. It’s a different skill set to teach without demonstrating at all and one that, I have to admit, is not as developed yet as I think it could be, even though I’ve been teaching since 2005.

However, there were other changes and challenges unfolding within me during this time. One of these was the loss of my runner’s high. I love running because of that feeling. I’d recently started running my 5K 3-5 times a week again and was really loving it. I’d previously given it up as another tactic in my fertility journey. I’d stopped for about a year because I’d found some research that states that high intensity sport and cardio spikes cortisol which decreases progesterone – which is crucial to proper egg implantation.

During that period of not running, I had found an acceptable replacement that worked for me: Kundalini yogic breathwork. I could achieve a similar high (or close to it) without running by doing breath of fire every morning. However, breath of fire was also on the list of things to not to do while pregnant.

The absence of that energetic release began to affect my mental health in an interesting way.

Running, lifting weights, doing aerial, dancing vigorously, or practicing breath of fire all made me feel fierce. The lack of these activities left me feeling fragile.

I AM NOT FRAGILE! I would hear a voice in me shouting.

I also began to experience a looming fear of losing strength; having dreams of not being strong enough to invert. This was compounded by body dysmorphia with a dread of becoming flabby, which to me is different from having a baby bump. The days passed and I felt myself getting softer.

But then something happened . . .

I have had fairly consistent pain for maybe 12 years now. It comes and goes, sometimes it’s almost unbearable, other times just a mild discomfort. I can attribute all these pains to exact injuries over the years. They live in my right hip flexor, my hamstring insertion, my ribs, in my lower back and one of my knees.

In the quiet moments, particularly when lying awake at night, I sensed a feeling of unwinding taking place. One night, it almost felt as if the bones in my hip were moving. Now this could be attributed to relaxin surging through my body, the hormone that facilitates ligaments stretching for the pelvis to open during childbirth. But I’m not so sure. The changes were all happening exactly in my injury locations. I could feel a tension, an old tension leaving my body. All my pains are gone.

Is this what deep rest does?

Sure I’ve had spells where I was grounded due to injuries, broken bones, torn muscles, et cetera. But when I was injured in one part of my body I would just train a different part. But to stop ALL activity except for walking for three months, now that’s a different game altogether and something I have not done in my 20 years of doing aerials.

Years ago, during a serious bout of pneumonia, my mother, a nurse familiar with my tendencies, told me, “Sarah, remember, doing nothing is DOING something right now. Resting energy is healing energy. The less you do, the quicker your body will heal.”

Did it take these few months of doing nothing for my muscles to have the space to release this tension from injuries of years and years ago? And at that same time the energy I wasn’t expending on aerials was building bones, small, new ones in a little body in my womb.

So, where am I now? I’ve successfully navigated through the first trimester, and my weekly acupuncture appointments have transitioned to monthly ones, with no need for the tea anymore. My practitioner also gave me the tentative go ahead to start to explore more movement, but slowly. I’m into my third trimester now.

No one can REALLY KNOW why this one is still with us. Was it because I stopped all activity? Perhaps it’s linked to the spiritual healing work I undertook just before conceiving again. Or could it be the introduction of animal products into my diet after seven years of being a vegan? Maybe it was the acupuncture and Chinese herbs, or quite possibly it was literally just a lucky roll of the dice.

But no matter what is happening with my fertility journey and why behind it all, I can reflect on one thing. This time of rest has changed me.

I’ve shifted my attention to the benefit of this experience rather than the temporary loss of my passion. I always say that I’m in this for the long game. Expect to see me in the air when I’m pushing 80 years old. Perhaps one of the keys to the long game is switching off the DO mentality, at least from time to time. Sometimes for various reasons your body needs rest. I’ve been doing aerials for 19 years and I’ve NEVER taken a 3 month break.

NOT DOING isn’t the void, it is an opportunity for something else to come in its place. And in my case, I think it is a time of healing which will support my real aerial goal of the long game. Maybe it will mean something else too, someone coming in about 8 more weeks.

I am not fragile, I am fiercely doing the best thing for my sensitive passenger, but also for me.

I AM FIERCE!

_____________________________________

Want to listen to Sarah tell the FULL unedited RAW version?

Check it out on the Expecting Aerialist podcast.

The post Fragile or Fierce – The Great Slow Down appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

Aerial arts or motherhood. Do I have to choose?

I envy people who have 100% unwavering clarity on whether or not they want to be parents. The uncertainty can be incredibly tortuous. For the past four years, I’ve often found myself yearning for that kind of clarity, which may seem odd once you hear about the experiences I’ve had during this period. I’ll share a part of it with you, and based on recent conversations with other aerialists, it seems like this is a ripe topic for discussion. So, let’s delve into it.

Embarking on the journey to motherhood is a huge decision no matter who you are. It’s a game of surrender and the reward of love.

But how much do we let go of in our surrender? Let me rephrase that: how much do we lose? Even though we have mothers everywhere to look to and see how they do it, it feels impossible to know how it will be FOR YOU.

Now compound this life changing decision with the added layer that you are an aerialist.

What does that matter? There are several aspects that are in conflict between doing aerial and being a mother.

Time

Aerial can demand a heavy time commitment. We need time to keep our conditioning, learn new things, teach (if we teach) and perform (if we perform). Babies and children also take a LOT of time. So is their time in direct conflict with our time if we welcome them into our lives? I don’t know about you, I barely have enough time to do all the things I love already. How is having a kid going to square with this?

Body Freedom

“Body Freedom” is a term that captures the essence of having unrestricted access to your body and the freedom to use it as you please. Welcoming a baby into your life can temporarily compromise this freedom, especially in terms of maintaining peak physical fitness. The process of regaining strength and fitness after childbirth entails a significant comeback period. The effort required to resume and advance in your physical capabilities is substantial. The question that arises: are you willing to take on that kind of setback?

The Lifestyle

Being an aerialist entails a wealth of exciting experiences, including gigs, travel, retreats, workshops, and meet-ups. The question that naturally arises is whether it’s feasible to continue participating in these activities with a baby in tow. Can you seamlessly integrate your little one into the dynamic lifestyle of an aerialist, balancing the demands of parenthood with the pursuit of your passion?

Finances

Financial stress has consistently been a factor influencing people’s decisions regarding parenthood, and this holds true in our industry as well. When your costs go up with your wee one, not only might you have to defend your time in going to aerial class, but also justify the cost. If you are an instructor or performer, how will you manage financially while pregnant and in the first months. Freelancers, at least in the States don’t get maternity pay and in many countries there is varying degree of support. How will you manage?

Biology

So with all of the above challenges why would anyone consider being a parent?

Everyone has their own story. But I’d say for me I’d chalk it up simply to a biological urge – a force to be reckoned with! It’s a life force surging through your body in the form of hormones which changes the way you feel, you think, you’re very identity. It’s no fucking joke.

In my early 30’s I started getting things I called “baby flutters”. It would come over randomly and there’s no way to describe it other than a calling to have a baby. A need to look after someone, hold them, watch them, enjoy them, love them. But I also noted that I would have “baby shudders”. Moments where I thought “thank fuck I don’t have a kid!” I observed myself and noted that baby flutters were usually around in the middle part of my cycle, circling the time of ovulation and the baby shudders arrived a few days before my period. I knew it was simply a hormonal thing, and not enough reason to halt my aerial career for. I often thought of it as “that thing I’d get to someday”. And if there was ever a time in my life where the baby flutters lasted more than one cycle, then I’d have beat biology and it would be a real instinct coming from the individual of me, not just my chemistry.

Well that time hit me in early 2020. I think it did a lot of people at that time, as many of us got shaken from our aerial lives and we did conditioning in our living rooms by doing odd things with household objects. It came on quickly, at first a whisper and then a scream. It not only felt important, but it felt urgent. I did my thing of sitting with it for 2 months, sure enough it was still there.

An example of hope

At the same time, we got a message from a lovely student from England who reached out and said, “Have you ever considered doing your aerial teacher training online? I always wanted to take your course, but it’s not possible because I’m a single parent.”

Orly Phillips, a gorgeous aerialist who lives on a boat in middle England parked in a canal with her (then) 2 year old son was the impetus for us to consider putting our teacher training online.

Rain and I spent the rest of the pandemic working harder than I think we’ve ever worked to translate all of our apparatus across 2 levels into a remote format while maintaining the quality of our in-person training.

The program grew and adapted and got refined and finessed (we are still updating always! ‘cause that’s our MO) But the very first Beta version was joined by Orly, and she did aerial with us while her son rode his tricycle in circles around her mat while she was in the air, and breast fed during the discussions. Since then we’ve had other awesome aerial mama’s joining our courses in a similar fashion!

And I thought, maybe this is the way! I don’t have to give up aerials. I can just do it differently for a little while. I can reach students and connect with the greater community and I can still be in the scene. I don’t have to lose it all.

The two headed person

But it still was not that simple. Even with the biological urge waking me in the night and tapping me on the shoulder throughout the day, even though I had an avenue of possibility in front of me, it was still complicated. I wanted to do it, but I felt scared. Really scared!

I had full-on debates and battles in my head. I became two people. There was The Maiden, the still skateboarding 38 year old who wanted to travel the world and be free. She used reason, which was actually quite intelligent and calculated and convinced me that motherhood was not for me in this lifetime. Then there was The Mother, she soothed the maiden, and told her she would be different but not lost, that there was love beyond understanding, there was joy and a lifetime of being a witness, which value is far beyond any self driven experience could possibly be.

I felt exhausted, confused and a need to urgently get to a solution either way. I didn’t want to exist in this debate. I wanted to just move on with my life whichever way it took.

The Jump

As a kid growing up in Maine, we spent our summers jumping off high places into cool water: rail bridges into rivers, cliffs into the ocean, rope swings from the riverbank. I can’t stand the feeling of fear just before the jump. So instead of standing there looking down, my tactic was always to jump as soon as I could, after the first jump it was easy.

The to and fro of the mother and maiden drove me mad. To save my mind, I decided to jump.

It was such a relief to know that I was doing it. I walked around in a cloud of joy. I was doing it! We got pregnant fairly quickly, there was no return now. Those first two months were filled with hope and joy and certainty. I had my first midwife appointment at 11 weeks and I had my first scan booked for the following week.

Then strange things happened. I told my partner that I thought “she was quiet” My partner, said, “Of course. They are like the size of a grape or something.” And it was true I had never felt them move, you have to be much further along for that. But it was an energetic thing. I just kept telling him. She’s quiet. During this time, I remember walking to the shop and while crossing the road I saw a woman crossing towards me, a two year old holding her hand and a large baby bump. And I felt the strangest feeling. Jealousy. Why was I jealous? I was pregnant!

I found out the next week at the scan that I’d lost the baby.

Of course there is grief. There is also anger. But there is also science and I knew not every pregnancy is a success. I thought of this loss as statistical dues. I paid my dues, the next one would be a sure thing.

But our second baby also ended in loss. Anger was the predominant feeling with this one. Another was spite. Fuck it then. I won’t have a baby! How cruel to have stood on that cliff twice and bravely go for it, then find your feet still standing on the cliff edge.

I decided I would pour myself into my work, I trained hard, denied myself food to get lean, carved back anything I could. The maiden was in full force, pissed off at having to have had so many conversations with that damn Mother.

She came back though. It took a full year for her to return, but she did, at first just a soft whisper.

It would be nice if this is where the story ends. But it’s not. I had two more miscarriages. Each one threw me back into the debate with myself. Also for my partner who is a professional musician, with each loss we were back at square 1. Do we want to do this? And I also had the added disturbance that the losses were a sign that I shouldn’t be a mom. And maybe even because of my internal conflict. Was my indecisiveness a reason for the miscarriages? Did I bring this on myself?

I’m now pregnant again. Baby #5 has made it to week 17 so far. When you’ve had as much loss as I have there is no certainty until the baby is in your arms. So the question remains will I be a mum, even though my waistline is growing fast.

I told a friend and colleague the other day our news, she was elated and said, “Sarah I’m so happy for you, you wanted this so badly.” I felt really confused by this statement. And then I realized that unless you share what goes on behind the scenes, if you keep getting pregnant people assume you are on a single minded mission filled with clarity and purpose.

I know what it’s like to walk the hard path of uncertainty and live in the fear of losing what you love because of the strange desire to have a child.

Oh aerialists. It’s not easy. No one can answer it for you, no matter how many people you ask. But talking about it does help.

I was blown away at how much our community had to say on this subject (you!) The discussion was heartfelt, honest, and vibrant. Check out our IG Story Highlights where aerialists mums, never-to-be mums, and mums maybe-to-be share their feelings.

The post Motherhood? appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

Every day we are one day older.

As an aerialist, you’ll probably be pretty body aware and notice small changes in your body from day to day, week to week, season to season. There’s natural waves that occur; sometimes you’re shredding it and progressing in strength and stamina. This manifests as being able to do new skills or having consistency in achieving your harder skills. Other times you might hit plateaus or setbacks due to fatigue, illness, injury, or losing access to training time or space for a million reasons (LIFE!). We’ve all had to deal with these waves. We are thrilled with the progress, but often troubled by setbacks. Sometimes we have moments of grace and surrender and find ways to be creative and inspired in one of our training dips.

But if you notice a change, large or subtle, that seems to be the new norm, it can be a cause of concern and also frustration. At least that has been my experience as of late. And this has caused me to ask. It this not just the season, but actually because my body is older?

Endurance

I tend to have a lot of stamina and in the past I would train until I ran out of time. Now I train until I run out of energy. This has been a big game changer for me and hard to assess. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, maybe I was more out of shape than I thought, or I wasn’t getting enough nutrition, or maybe I was a little sick and didn’t realize it. Some of my self assessment was rather scathing, thinking I was becoming lazy. I was pretty hard on myself.

But this was different, it didn’t come in waves. I didn’t have good days and bad days. I just felt done sooner and more consistently.

A friend and colleague who happens to be in a 50 year old body wisely said to me:

“You will never again have the body you had.”

And I slowly began to integrate the fact that this is the new me. I could choose to push myself, but then I would need more recovery time. Knowing that I didn’t have a bottomless amount of endurance made it so that I prioritized my training in a different way. This meant spending slightly less time in the studio, but training more intentionally.

But here’s the clincher. I had to adjust not only the way I train, but also my self image. I will no longer be the last one in the air. I’d like to take my friend’s statement, maybe even a little further.

“I am not who I was”

Pain

About 2 years ago I had a back injury. It just seemed to crop up out of nowhere. And I did my normal waiting period of intentional resting. But it didn’t ever go away. It just lingered. I then gave up and just started training again, pushing through the pain, cause I was tired of waiting. But my range of motion was seriously affected and everything still hurt. I then went through a long series of seeking physiotherapy, massage therapy, craniosacral, and chiropractic care. Each of these would help for a bit, but nothing totally fixed it or lasted.

I then thought that maybe the kind of help I needed was not going to be from the outside. I didn’t need to fix an injury. The pain was not going away, which meant my body was trying to communicate something to me. And the fact that it kept screaming meant that I kept hurting it. How was I hurting it? I think it was the pattern of my movement.

I had to change the way I move.

My new plan was to limit working in the end ranges of my movement, take it back to center, and strengthen from my core. The practitioner I chose to work with was a pilates instructor who specifically works with circus artists. I quickly saw how much imbalance existed in my movement patterns. I felt like I was a beginner again. In my classes, I am literally learning how to sit, stand, roll down and turn my torso. I have developed so many compensation patterns over the years that my body has gone haywire.

Do you often (nearly always) hook your right knee on the apparatus? Imagine the torsion over time this creates? I try to be body balanced, always have, but I definitely have a favored side. Does this contribute to my body imbalances? Maybe. But it can also be the mundane things. How we get in and out of the car, how we bend over to pick something up, how we roll out of bed. Bringing an awareness to our body coming from a point of center stability helps us not only in our aerial practice but in life. There are a lot of practices which work on core stability and complement the work we do in circus. I know many circus artists who have benefited from pilates, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, gyrotonics Thai Chi, and so many more.

The Long Game

Practically, the changes I’ve made have been in shortening my training sessions and working on stabilizing my core. But the bigger change has been a shift in my mindset. Rather than being a dictator to my body, I am in partnership with it. I listen deeper and respond with care and patience. I hope to continue to deepen my aerial practice I love so dearly. I have already noticed clear benefits of new levels of body awareness and movement precision.

My friend also reminded me that we do this because we love it. I am inspired me to stop forcing my body to do what it did, but enjoy as much as possible what this body is willing to do now.

There will come a day where I will step off the trapeze for the very last time. It’s not yet and until that day I will enjoy it to the fullest.

Written by Sarah Bebe Holmes at Age 41

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The post A Changing Body appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

A little over a month after our opening night I am reflecting on the process of making Arthropoda and a larger question of the value and place of making emotionally intense work.
Now, I’m not going to sugarcoat it – the show is not an easy watch. It’s about mental illness and domestic violence, so there won’t be any rainbows or butterflies. I chose to make work that digs into complex issues, and traumatic experiences, not to re-traumatize survivors or horrify the audience. My goal is to stage work which can show us what the experiences look like from the outside. Seeing it played out in front of us, can allow us to understand it from a safe distance, from the eagles’ viewpoint, to integrate the learning from challenging life experiences in a more full and sensitive way.
We found that a substantial number of audiences experienced personal connection with the work. Sometimes directly, or indirectly through observing the relationships of their parents, siblings and close friends. These issues are all around us. They are dark and uncomfortable. In making this work, there’s a fine line between taking the darker path, while refraining from providing solutions, and just show some of the ways a story can unfold.

“It is not the place of the theatre to show the correct path, but only tooffer the means by which all possible paths may be examined.”- Augusto Boal

Trauma-informed Theatre

In our rehearsal process, we had a therapist on call and robust plans for how to support the artists or any team members if anything became overwhelming.
As we think about touring the work, we’re faced with a new question: How do we support the audience without having the capacity to provide on-call therapists for everyone who attends.

That’s where the idea of being “trauma-informed” comes in. Being trauma-informed means having an understanding of how trauma affects individuals and communities and shaping the way we frame the work so that it avoids re-traumatization and promotes healing. It involves creating an environment that promotes safety, trust, collaboration, and empowerment. We are busy brainstorming new ways we can help our audiences integrate this experience.

Putting yourself out there can be scary

It’s scary putting something out into the world when you don’t know how it will be received. But I’m so glad I didn’t let that fear stop me from creating something that I care so deeply about. I’m also so grateful that now I get to learn even more about creating safe spaces for artists and audiences through working with trauma-informed theater.
Is there something in your life that you’re hesitating over, because you’re unsure how it will be received? Is that keeping you from speaking up or doing something that can make an impact? I hope sharing my experience with creating Arthropoda can inspire you to take the plunge, whatever it may be.

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The post Harsher Sides of Humanity in Theatre appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

STUDENT EGO

If your student thinks they are advanced it’s important to ask yourself if they really are or not. If truly not, then your job as an instructor is to continue to instill the safety, and foundations that they need as well as continue to challenge them in fun ways. Students can fall under the false impression that they are better than they are. Delusions of grandeur can commence. It may be because their understanding of the material, their proprioception and their general ability are better in their minds than in reality. This is when we as teachers need to be our best and lovingly hold these beauties back. It’s not about stunting them, it’s about maturing them through giving them variations that stretch their understanding or extra challenges that increase their strength. It’s your job as a good aerial instructor to only give them tricks when they are ready. Make sure they meet the prerequisites that you think are necessary, even if they think they are boring. The number of times I have walked into a private lesson and had an “improver” level student ask me to teach spiral drop to ankle hang or some other advanced drop is wildy frequent. It’s ok to say, “Great, we can work up to that, let’s start here . . . “ Again, it’s about being loving. Not saying “NO” or “You’re not good enough”. But instilling the concept that this is a journey and you are happy to be on it with them, but we need to start at the beginning together.

TEACHER EGO

So you’re a teacher, you’ve been doing this for a long time. You earned it the hard way, before Instagram or YouTube. You had to get the nuts and bolts first, you worked hard, you got injured and for some time you have not been working on yourself and your skills, but you’ve been teaching. And here comes this young student who has climbed to your level in a third of the time it took you to get there. They may or may not think or know they are advanced. But you know it, and you don’t want them to surpass you. Well, tough luck. It is not our job to hold people back when they are ACTUALLY READY. Even if they are going to get the next gig, or start teaching where you teach. If you are their teacher and you love teaching, then teach them what you know. If they surpass you in skill but keep coming remember they are coming because you have something to offer, it might be nuance, it may be creative choreography, it may be character work, or they just may need some outside eyes and they respect you. If they ask you for a skill that is beyond your level think “IS THERE ANYTHING I KNOW THAT CAN HELP them with this skill?” You may have some excellent conditioning or pre-requisites that can get them ready. Do as much as you can as long as you can and then RECOGNIZE WHEN TO LET GO. The best way to do this is to send them to someone else you know. They might not even live where you live, but give options. This is the role of a real teacher, to have grace and acceptance of ourselves for who we are, where we are, and when we are; and to help the future flourish.

Dedicated to: Althea Young (17) and Ellie Rossi (13) at the time of this blog post. Students of Paper Doll Militia who we’ve had the pleasure of watching grow from aerial fledglings. They now soar to impressive new heights and continue to take the aerial world by storm.

• Sarah Bebe Holmes of Paper Doll Militia

The post What Happens When Your Students Surpass You? appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

So many things come into play with this question, ego of course being one of them. The first question to ask is: WHO’S EGO IS AT STAKE? Followed by: HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT? It’s important to distinguish the difference between YOU thinking your student is seriously advancing in skill and YOUR STUDENT thinking they are advanced in skill. Sometimes you will agree, but not always.

STUDENT EGO

If your student thinks they are advanced it’s important to ask yourself if they really are or not. If truly not, then your job as an instructor is to continue to instill the safety, and foundations that they need as well as continue to challenge them in fun ways. Students can fall under the false impression that they are better than they are. Delusions of grandeur can commence. It may be because their understanding of the material, their proprioception and their general ability are better in their minds than in reality.

This is when we as teachers need to be our best and lovingly hold these beauties back. It’s not about stunting them, it’s about maturing them through giving them variations that stretch their understanding or extra challenges that increase their strength. It’s your job as a good aerial instructor to only give them tricks when they are ready.

Make sure they meet the prerequisites that you think are necessary, even if they think they are boring. The number of times I have walked into a private lesson and had an “improver” level student ask me to teach spiral drop to ankle hang or some other advanced drop is wildly frequent. It’s ok to say, “Great, we can work up to that, let’s start here . . . “ Again, it’s about being loving. Not saying “NO” or “You’re not good enough,” but instilling the concept that this is a journey and you are happy to be on it with them, but we need to start at the beginning together.

TEACHER EGO

So you’re a teacher, you’ve been doing this for a long time. You earned it the hard way, before Instagram or YouTube. You had to get the nuts and bolts first, you worked hard, you got injured and for some time you have not been working on yourself and your skills, but you’ve been teaching. And here comes this young student who has climbed to your level in a third of the time it took you to get there. They may or may not think or know they are advanced. But you know it, and you don’t want them to surpass you. Well, tough luck. It is not our job to hold people back when they are ACTUALLY READY. Even if they are going to get the next gig, or start teaching where you teach. If you are their teacher and you love teaching, then teach them what you know.

If they surpass you in skill but keep coming remember they are coming because you have something to offer, it might be nuance, it may be creative choreography, it may be character work, or they just may need some outside eyes and they respect you. If they ask you for a skill that is beyond your level think “IS THERE ANYTHING I KNOW THAT CAN HELP them with this skill?” You may have some excellent conditioning or pre-requisites that can get them ready. Do as much as you can as long as you can and then RECOGNIZE WHEN TO LET GO. The best way to do this is to send them to someone else you know. They might not even live where you live, but give options. This is the role of a real teacher, to have grace and acceptance of ourselves for who we are, where we are, and when we are; and to help the future flourish.

Dedicated to: Althea Young (17) and Ellie Rossi (13)Students of Paper Doll Militia who we’ve had the pleasure of watching grow from aerial fledglings. They now soar to impressive new heights and continue to take the aerial world by storm.

-Sarah Bebe Holmes of Paper Doll Militia

*Want to be notified any time we publish a new blog? Sign up for our mailing list and become a part of the Paper Doll Fam!

The post When Your Students Surpass You appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.