This read is for anyone who might one day have, or just recently had a C-section. This is also for coaches who’ve felt unsure how to navigate recovery, or how to guide a student safely back into movement after C-section. Please share it with anyone who could benefit from this.

Trigger warning: The first part of this blog includes a portion of my birth story. If that feels like too much, feel free to skip ahead to the second section: Recovery.

My C-Section Story

Birth not going to plan is common.

One morning, at 34 weeks, I had an unsettled feeling and the baby had not had her normal morning flurry of movement. I drank caffeinated coffee, ate chocolate and fruit. All things that would have got her doing cartwheels inside, but instead she lay quiet. Feeling nervous, I went into the local maternity unit to make sure everything was ok with her. I was in a room divided by curtains with other preggos getting checked. The CCG showed that she was in fact in distress. A nurse promptly took me upstairs to a private room to do “further monitoring”. But as soon as I sat down, in rushed four doctors, my birth team, who announced that the baby would need to be born within the hour if we wanted to ensure that she survived.

Good bye water birth in my living room with my trapeze hanging over the birth pool.

My partner arrived quickly and in hand he had my birth plan . .. the “back up plan “, the one I made and thought/hoped I wouldn’t need. And he said, it’s ok. You planned for this too. It was what I needed to sign the papers for the anesthesiologists to administer the epidural and begin the whirlwind that followed. But my back up birth plan did not include the possibilities that the baby would be in distress, which meant . .

No soft lighting

No intimate setting

No delayed cord clamping

No skin to skin

No first nursing

I sort of got my playlist, played from my partner’s phone next to my ear.

But what still hurts is that I did not get to hold my daughter when she was born.

I didn’t even get to see her face. She was wearing a breathing mask, held in front of me for a few seconds before being whisked away to the NICU and there I lay empty and open to a room of strangers.

And here is where the new part of the journey began. Pulling myself back together again both emotionally and physically. I am grateful that I was able to build a team to help mend me; this included a birth trauma therapist, and a pilates instructor who specializes in postpartum care.

For me, with patience and awareness, I am 95 % back to pre-pregnancy strength, but I have far surpassed my pre-pregnancy body with new found micro awareness and control of my core. I believe that in a few more months I might be stronger than I have ever been.

I wanted to share a bit about my story, and to share some practical things which I found useful in my own recovery journey. I am not an expert in the field of postpartum recovery and the information I am presenting is not medical advice. What’s shared here is meant to encourage and give some practical information. Everyone’s recovery will be unique to them, and based on their body, health and specifics to their own birth, I also encourage you to find your own team of specialists to help in your own healing process.

Recovery

The First 6 Weeks: Rest & Don’t Panic

I know, I know—after already taking a hit on training time, the last thing you want to hear is that you need to rest even MORE. But trust me on this one: rushing your recovery can make things worse.

Your body has been through major surgery. All medical guidance out there suggests a full six weeks of rest. A previous version of me would have done some sneaky conditioning to expedite me getting back in the air. But the hard knocks of my own full fertility journey taught me to have a little more patience, and also to heed the advice of my medical team. So I abided by this guideline and I’m happy I did.

You might feel wobbly, weak, tired—like your body isn’t your own. I promise, this won’t last forever. Think of yourself like a donut: there’s a hole in the middle, nothing holding you together. It will take time to rebuild that strength.

BUT if you must do something, here are 2 safe things to focus on:

1. Posture Awareness

Has pregnancy shifted your posture?—hello, anterior pelvic tilt! The weight of your belly and breasts pulled you forward, and now your ligaments (thanks, relaxin) are stretched out like old rubber bands. Plus, the sensation of your incision might make you want to hunch forward in a subconscious attempt to protect it.

Add in all the time spent nursing or feeding while slumped over, and… yeah. Your posture probably needs some love.Working on your posture will help with your body awareness and begin to rebuild your strength in a safe way. At random points in my day, while standing, sitting or even walking I would bring my mind to my posture.

Try these:

Mirror love
Check yourself in the mirror (with love!). You probably think you’re standing up straight—but are you?
Make sure your head isn’t jutting forward.
Exhale, pull your ribs in and down.
Engage your pelvic floor (like you’re stopping a pee).
Lengthen your lower back by dropping your tailbone and drawing your belly toward your spine.

The Circle Image

Imagine a circle of energy that pulls your alignment back together.

The front of the circle pulls your pubic bone up and sends the energy up

The top of the circle settles your shoulders down

The back of the circles slides your shoulder blades down

The bottom of the circle drops your tail . . and you are back to the front

The Zipper

While standing imagine a zipper that starts right at your crotch and zips up to your head. Zip is slowly from bottom to top thinking of the two sides of your body sealing together.

You can just do these whenever you think of it. Begin to bring awareness back into your body.

2. Lateral Breathing

During pregnancy, you likely developed some funky breathing patterns—maybe chest breathing because, well, there was no room for your lungs to expand! Now’s the time to reset that which will help ease your nervous system and rebuild strength

Lateral breathing helps re-engage your abs, strengthens your core, and brings more air into your system.

Try this:
Inhale and imagine your ribs expanding outward (like you’re filling up your back with air).
Keep your belly button pulled toward your spine as you exhale and feel your ribs squeeze back in.

Why is this important?
Helps reawaken your core.
Reduces stress and calms your nervous system.
Supports pelvic floor health

This phase is all about patience, awareness, and setting the foundation for a strong return. Your aerial practice will still be there when you’re ready—take care of yourself now so you can come back even stronger!

___________________________________________________________________

From 6 Weeks On—Start SLOWLY!

The day I hit my six-week mark, I laced up my running sneakers and went for an aggressive walk. Not running (that’s not allowed yet), but I was determined to get moving. I walked for hours each day.

By day three? Excruciating back pain.

Why? I forgot step one: Posture.

I thought I was good—ready to go, strong, clear. But with my baby strapped to my front, my core wasn’t ready to support me. My ribs were flaring forward a lot, and I didn’t even realize it. Once I slowed my pace, and worked on my posture awareness while lateral breathing, the pain was gone within a few days.

Lesson learned: If something hurts, don’t push through it. Your body is talking to you—listen.

Scar Massage

Sounds nice, right? A little oil, some gentle rubbing? Nope. Scar massage is NOT glamorous—it can be intense physically and also emotionally if you have trauma around your c-section experience.

But it can be such a helpful part of the recovery process. Here’s why: You’re an aerialist. You’ve most likely spent time rolling around on a physio ball or peanut at some point. And you may have felt that burning, tearing feeling in a particularly tight area. This is the feeling of the fascia peeling away from the muscle where it had previously been sticky. Fascia needs to move freely and glide over our muscles.

The Anatomy of a C-Section

You didn’t just get one incision—you got seven.

1. The first three are horizontal (through skin, fat, and fascia).
   
2. The next four are vertical (through abdominal muscles, peritoneum, uterus, and amniotic sac).
   

Once healed (around six weeks), it is deemed safe to start scar massage to prevent adhesions.

Think about it: Your fascia has basically been sewn to the skin and muscle. And you need to break this up again. If it doesn’t move freely, it’ll limit your range of motion and make skills like waist wraps and front balances excruciating.

How to Do It:
No oil (yet). You want dry hands so you can actually pull on the skin. Save the oils for afterward as a little reward.

There are great YouTube tutorials out there, but here are a few techniques I personally used (and sometimes still do!):

• Circles: Use two fingers to draw firm circles (as deep as you can handle) along the scar. Go over and under the full length of it.
  
• Diagonal Pulls: One hand pulls up and to the right, the other down and to the left. Switch directions.
  

At first, you might have numb spots or areas that zing when you touch them. That’s normal—your nerves are still rebuilding. With time, this will ease up.

Exercises to Ease Back In

Wall Sit

• Stand with your back against a wall.
  
• Step your feet forward slightly.
  
• Bend your knees and press your entire back against the wall.
  
• Drop your tailbone, pull belly button to spine and flatten your ribs – Take some lateral breaths!
  

All Fours Hold

At first, being on hands and knees can feel as hard as a full plank. I remember my arms trembling, feeling so weak, just trying to keep my back flat.

If this feels difficult—that’s okay. You are a donut. You won’t be one forever.

Bent Arm Hang

• A great way to rebuild arm strength before jumping back into inversions.
  
• Tip: Don’t rush inversions! Rebuild your core and bent-arm strength first. The full invert will come later.
  

Here’s to Your C-Section Recovery!

This process is a marathon, not a sprint—but you will get there. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and trust that your strength will return.

The post So You Had a C-Section… Now What? appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

My grandmother was a world traveler. In her 101 years of living on this planet she traveled to over 40 countries! As a child, I remember all the unique trinkets and crafts she brought back from her adventures abroad. I also remember how interesting and well-traveled she always seemed. She truly was a woman of the world.

Grandma and Grandpa passed down their wanderlust to our whole family. I grew up peeking through a beautiful window into the vastness of this world. When I was 16, Grandma arranged a special trip just for her and I. She brought me to London to indulge my theater obsession by going to see some West End Musicals. I found myself surprised and delighted with all the nuanced differences between British and American culture; a country I mistakenly thought would be so similar to mine. Curious and intrigued, I developed a taste for experiencing new places, people, and experiences.

I learned from early on that traveling is not just about having a fun time, or going on an adventure. It’s a powerful perspective shift  that can have lasting effects on a person’s body, mind and spirit. It can be life changing.

I vowed to always make travel a top priority in my life, even when resources were limited. I started working at a cafe when I was 15 to save up for a summer program in NYC. At 21, I used the car insurance payout on my totaled car to travel to circus school in Bristol, England. (Yes, there’s a theme here. Learning while traveling is my jam.) In fact, this December, I’m diving into a week-long Spanish Immersion course in Mexico City. It’s my perfect combo: exploring a new place while staying engaged through learning.​

I have a theory as to why traveling is so powerful for personal growth. It’s because traveling is actually a disruptor. You’re taken out of your routines and comfortable surroundings and thrown into a daily experience of novelty and unexpected paths. Travel stretches you in new, unpredictable ways. Yes, this can sometimes be scary, which is why it can be so helpful to set up a safe container on your travels. A place where you know your needs will be taken care of, and you’ll have like-minded people to share the experience with.​

Which is why I felt so aligned to the idea of starting up an aerial retreat, back in 2017 when we created our first retreat offering. I found that aerial retreats are not just about going to a beautiful place and pressing the reset button (although that’s definitely part of it). They’re an opportunity to discover new facets of yourself and expand your worldview. Aerial retreats aren’t just getaways; they’re gateways to personal growth and expanding your global community.I’ll forever remain thankful to what I learned from my Grandmother, and the rest of my travel-happy family. (Fun side note: my brother is currently getting his PHD in Slavic studies and about to spend a year in Kazakhstan) I’m thrilled that I have found a way to share this love of travel to aerialists in my community who feel a similar passion.

Aerialist Lexii Grim | Photo Marie Lu Vinh

​ Looking for a unique travel opportunity while you develop your aerial skills & artistry? Come join us at Casa Chango this Nov / Dec.

Casa Chango is is an eco chic artist retreat center nestled in the tropical forest. Eat healthy, home cooked Mexican food. Attend aerial workshops from Sarah and Rain in a stunning open air circus gym with a view. And experience the beauty that Puerto Escondido has to offer. 

The Deets: Aerial Escapades At Casa Chango​

Watch a short video about Casa Chango 

Silks and Sling – All levels welcome (group structure)

Dates:

November 30 – Dec 7, 2024 – Only 2 spots left!

December 7-14, 2024 – Only 2 spots left!

“A unique opportunity to learn from some of the best instructors in the aerial world and make new friends from all over the world in a gorgeous location. I just loved it!” Daniela Mileva, Austria – Paper Doll Retreats

The post Lessons from my Grandmother appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

Have you been experiencing a dose of artistic inertia? In my lifelong pursuit of a creative life I’ve definitely encountered my fair share. In the process, I’ve been lucky enough to gather and develop tools that have helped me plow through challenges and supercharge my creative process along the way. I’m excited to share some of my lessons with you today.

But before we jump in…let me start by saying, this topic is NOT JUST for those who make a living in some kind of artistic career. This is for anyone who has a creative practice, especially those who want to nurture that practice. And hey, if you’re reading this, you’re most likely somehow involved in aerial or circus arts (or you’re my mom…hi mom!). Well then, guess what? You have a creative practice. Unless you are ONLY conditioning on your apparatus, I’m going to guess that you are engaging in some creative pursuits in your aerial work.

Because at its roots, aerial arts is an expressive art form.

It’s not gymnastics; it’s not sports acrobatics. Even if your primary goal is fitness-based, you have chosen to do your fitness activities in a format that has arisen from a performative art. For example, when I find a shape in the air that feels good to my body, I am making a creative choice; I am spending a moment in my art.

So from the seasoned performer to the recreational hobbyist, let’s agree that we are all artists, ok? (If you identify as an aerialist who’s not an artist, I’m totally cool with that and not here to argue, but most likely the rest of this blog is not really written with you in mind.)

Any artist will tell you, the road is never straight nor without challenges. I know I’m not the only one who struggles to carve out quality creative time or suffers from a lack of inspiration. Recently, I’ve encountered an overabundance of creative ideas, which has resulted in decision fatigue and artistic inertia. Though our challenges will morph and change, having some solid creative tools can go a long way. I do have some tricks up my sleeve and I’m inspired to share them with you today.

I’ve distilled today’s lessons into three tips. That’s because life is overwhelming as it is, and I think advice is always easier to digest in threes.

Tip # 1: Show up Relentlessly and Embrace Unproductivity

I’m a person who has always had high expectations for myself—a perfectionist through and through. I used to come to a training session or rehearsal with a long list of things I wanted to achieve.

Sometimes I would meet my laundry list of goals, sure, but usually, the creative process has other plans in mind. It’s a messy, non-linear trajectory with unexpected detours and left turns. When we put a productivity filter on top of the creative process, it’s like trying to fit an octopus into a sock. It just doesn’t fit.

Inevitably, I would leave feeling dejected, like I failed. It’s so much harder to bounce back into an inspired state if I’m stuck wallowing in the disappointment of the outcome.

Fast forward to the pandemic. I was extremely lucky to have an aerial setup in my living room, so I could still keep up with aerial work. Unfortunately, all my motivation had simply flown out the window. I had to come up with some new strategies to get my butt in the air.

It was around that time when I switched my goal to literally one thing: move my body.

What I did in that movement session didn’t matter because I had already achieved my goal just by showing up. Some days were extremely productive, inspiring, or fulfilling. Others were a wash. But with this mindset shift, I was able to allow for a new approach to training that is more flexible, more compassionate, and honestly, more realistic.

My relationship with my creative practice totally changed when I started putting this into practice. And even now, when we’re past the pandemic, I still arrive at every movement session with the same mindset. The most important thing is that I show up for my craft; anything fruitful that comes out of it is a pure bonus.

Tip #2: Align your Inner Needs with External Spaces

To really dive into this second tip, you first need to find out what your inner artist needs. I can’t stress this enough…this is a lifelong process and it is not static. It will change as you change. But nevertheless, you must embark on this journey for yourself.

In the pursuit of crafting a creative incubator, we will look at our external environment. Let me give a couple of examples to help clarify.

Some artists thrive around other people, in a constant state of input and ideas coming in from all directions. For this artist, being creative in a busy aerial studio might be exactly what they need.

A different artist may need to remove all distractions in order to truly focus in on their ideas. For this artist, they may want to consider applying to a residency program in a rural location, to cut themselves off from the demands of daily life. People are different, and therefore our ideal creative environments will be different.

Let’s consider another extremely important element of our external environment: time. When do you feel most creative? Is it in the early morning, in those magic hours before the rest of the world wakes up? Is it mid-afternoon when the sun is high and everything is buzzing with energy? (This is mine.) Or maybe you are a night owl who, like poets and painters of old, takes your inspiration from Lady Moon and quiet moments.

We can take this idea of timing even further. Do you like to work on a project in short, exciting bursts? Or do you like slow processes with time to ruminate and space between sessions? (For me, it’s the slow burn.)

We can see just how important it is to truly know yourself so that you can craft the perfect incubation environment. Once you’ve identified your inner artist’s needs, then begins the work of fighting for your art. Which brings us to tip #3.

Tip # 3 Fight For Your Art

I don’t mean you need to put up fisticuffs. By this, I mean “carve out time and space for your art.” But those words just aren’t strong enough to reflect the immense effort necessary in a world that is constantly vying for your attention and time. We often have to try and fit in our creative practice between the tiny cracks of our mountains of other responsibilities and concerns. I’m not only speaking to those with 9-to-5 jobs. I am a perfect case in point. I make a living through aerial arts, so you might think I have the luxury of doing my art whenever I feel inspired. If you think this…you would be wrong.

In order to make a living, I run a business that includes many facets of my art. I STILL have to fight for my creative time. I can’t tell you how common it is for me to get sucked into admin tasks, meetings, project proposals, applications, life responsibilities, etc., and another day has gone by where I didn’t even so much as look at my creative projects or move my body.

For so many of us, we’re in a precarious juggling act, dealing with our most important survival needs, caring responsibilities, and just… so. much. adulting. Spending our time and energy on art and play can easily get pushed to the bottom of the list. That’s why we have to fight for our art.

The topic of HOW to best fight for our art is perhaps too big to tackle for this blog, but when I look at the tools and tactics that I use to fight for my art, one in particular stands out: using external accountability measures. Here are a couple of examples of what this looks like in my life:

1. Signing up for a class, workshop, or outside project. For example, just yesterday, I signed up for this cool Creation Workshop that I put on my calendar for next month. It’s contemporary dance-focused, which is a bit out of my comfort zone (also another great topic for a different post) and signing up (and paying for it) holds me accountable to dedicate the time and space to nurturing my craft.

2. Committing to a project deadline before it’s completed. Whew! This is a scary one. But I can’t tell you how many times this has lit the fire of my creative practice in a very tangible way. Sure, sometimes it can backfire and create an undue amount of stress. That’s why you must also become good at being realistic in your deadlines (estimate 2x the amount of time you think it will take!). A recent example for me was when I committed to being a part of the Touching Two Worlds show this past May with only the seed of an idea for a new act. But my deadline was realistic and this it was the exact thing I needed to jumpstart this new act concept.

There are many other practical tools that can help you carve out time, energy, and attention for your creative practice. I highly recommend reading the book Deep Work for other insightful strategies, such as time blocking, which has also been a huge help to me on this front. Yes, this is a book that primarily deals with deep work in a business context, but the concepts are highly transferable, and the author uses many examples of artists throughout history who have a commitment to deep work.

Do you want to be notified when we publish our next blog post? Sign up for our Newsletter here.

Inspired to take action steps toward your own creative process? We’d love for you to join us for our Aerial Escapades Retreat in Mexico in 2024. Every afternoon we work with creativity, theatricality and finding your own aerial voice using our Vertical Theatre Method. This is a super inspiring way to focus in on your craft while having an adventure at the same time! For more information click here.

The post Show Up Relentlessly, Embrace Unproductivity appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

I’m not alone in this; I’ve noticed that many aerialists share a similar lifestyle—one that’s incredibly packed! I want to delve into this concept and explore how it intersects with my aerial practice and fertility journey.

In my previous blog I talked about the fear of becoming a mother. Here I’ll talk about the first trimester and that fear more realized.

I’m currently navigating my sixth pregnancy, if you don’t know my story, no I don’t have a hoard of children. I’ve never made it to the point of having a live birth, though I’ve spent a seemingly enormous amount of time being pregnant over the past 3 years. With each of my pregnancies, I didn’t slow down, not before, during or after the losses, until now, with number six.

On learning of the loss of my first pregnancy, what was my immediate reaction? I headed straight to the studio and created a piece about it, with my husband composing the accompanying music. Our mutual art became a powerful means for both of us to navigate and process our grief. For me, moving my body has proven to be one of the most effective ways to move through and process emotions.

Aerial is my outlet, my income, and in some ways has become an integral part of my identity. And thus I approached each pregnancy much like I do most of my life, with this mantra, “how much can I fit in before . . .”

If you’ve participated in our Remote Teacher Training, you’ll be familiar with all the reference videos that are part of the course. Many of the Level 1 rope and silks videos featuring me were filmed during my first pregnancy, and Level 2 lyra and trapeze videos, including the full beats section, were filmed during my fourth pregnancy.

Each loss propelled me into a flurry of further action based response. I underwent every possible test through multiple private healthcare practitioners, seeking to unravel the mystery of what was going on. I did blood work of every kind and hormone analysis. I had a hysteroscopy of my womb and ultrasounds of my ovaries. I replaced my undergarments with organic ones, eliminated all chemicals from my home, and invested in a water purification system. I worked privately with a nutritionist, kinesiologist, pilates instructor and spent loads of money on supplements. I even took out my nose ring because I was told the metal interrupts my meridian lines. I took progesterone tablets and low dose aspirin (the NHS form of support for multiple miscarriages). I delved into books and blogs of various kinds in search of answers, only to find that all tests indicated I was 100% healthy. Nothing I did made a difference. The cause was chalked up to “a bad roll of the dice with an older body.”

The term “older body” struck a chord. My great grandmother had five children, two of whom were born when she was over 40. Babies born to women over 40 aren’t a new phenomenon solely attributable to changes in the workforce (perhaps a topic for another blog—staying on point!).

Throughout this entire journey, I consistently felt a twinge of desire to train, to make progress, and be as fit as possible before reaching the point in pregnancy where I knew I would need to ease off a bit.

As an instructor, I always emphasize to my expecting students, the importance of listening to their bodies. I advise against attempting to up-level during pregnancy or trying new skills. Instead, stick to what you know and listen to your body. Here I am in my fifth pregnancy training. To be honest, I felt perfectly fine doing so and had no signs indicating a need to slow down.

Following this loss, I sought the guidance of a Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctor. She asserted that she could balance my hormones and to my surprise also improve egg quality. This contradicted what others had told me, insisting that egg quality was fixed based on age and life decisions. What was equally refreshing was her statement, “oh, you have time.” She prescribed a three-month period of not actively trying to conceive to allow my womb to rest and heal, along with weekly acupuncture sessions and a daily intake of a rather unpleasant-tasting tea.

After the prescribed rest period, she gave the green light to resume trying. Enter baby #6. At a session when I was about six weeks pregnant, I asked her opinion about plane travel during pregnancy. I had been offered an exciting opportunity to work with Aloft Circus Arts Professional Training Program in Chicago, but I had reservations about plane travel, considering it risky in the first trimester. She matter-of-factly assured me that it would be fine, but then she picked up my backpack from the floor.

“This is too heavy!” she said. “If you are going to travel, you must not carry a heavy bag. And also, you shouldn’t lift your bag into the overhead compartment. It’s not good to reach your arms up high.”

Excuse me? I really didn’t think my bag was heavy at all, and reaching my arms up high?

I then showed her a video of what I do, which she had no idea about.

She shook her head. “No, you can’t do that.”

We’ve all heard people telling women what they can and can’t do. While I firmly believe in listening to my own body, I was also seeking her medical advice, and I thought it would be useful for her to clarify more.

“Well, can I go running?”

“No.”

“Can I lift weights?”

“No.”

“Can I do abs?”

“What do you mean by that?” she asked.

I showed her an example of abs on the acupuncture table.

“No, not that either.”

“What can I do?”

“You can walk. And don’t drink cold liquids, and don’t sit on the floor; it puts too much pressure on your womb. Sit in chairs only. Keep your feet and legs warm.

“For how long is that all I’m allowed to do, or rather not do these things?”

“For the first trimester at least.”

So I left with my new batch of Chinese herbs and a question. Should I follow her advice for the first trimester?

Why not?

“There is a saying: ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.’”

I reached out to Aloft and, despite being in the early stages of pregnancy, shared my news as a way to explain that I’d need to make a plan to adapt my workshops and how I’d be working with the protrack students. Their response was incredibly supportive. I also informed the Professional Program Students about my situation, emphasizing that I had a sensitive passenger and that I was following strict orders from my doctor. Throughout the week, they ensured there was a chair next to me, and when I went to demonstrate something, they would ask, “Are you sure?” and patiently let me explain instead. Breaking the habit of constant activity was challenging, but having the students caring so much about me was so wonderfully supportive and encouraging.

There was a part of me that felt like a fraud for not demonstrating. Much of my instructional practice is deeply rooted in somatics, with me being kinesthetic learner myself. When a student has a question where I don’t have an immediate answer to hand, I often say, “Give me one moment,” and work my way through the skill, then say, “Ah, I see your problem.” What I really mean is, “Ah, I FEEL your problem.”

I also saw many rad aerialists in Chicago and I just wanted to play with them!

Being grounded challenged me significantly as an instructor. Reflecting on my early days in the Bay Area when I was still a fledgling instructor, I remembered watching my senior, Helene Turcotte, a 20-year veteran performer then turned instructor who NEVER demonstrated. She calmly talked her students through the movements, and her students thrived. It’s a different skill set to teach without demonstrating at all and one that, I have to admit, is not as developed yet as I think it could be, even though I’ve been teaching since 2005.

However, there were other changes and challenges unfolding within me during this time. One of these was the loss of my runner’s high. I love running because of that feeling. I’d recently started running my 5K 3-5 times a week again and was really loving it. I’d previously given it up as another tactic in my fertility journey. I’d stopped for about a year because I’d found some research that states that high intensity sport and cardio spikes cortisol which decreases progesterone – which is crucial to proper egg implantation.

During that period of not running, I had found an acceptable replacement that worked for me: Kundalini yogic breathwork. I could achieve a similar high (or close to it) without running by doing breath of fire every morning. However, breath of fire was also on the list of things to not to do while pregnant.

The absence of that energetic release began to affect my mental health in an interesting way.

Running, lifting weights, doing aerial, dancing vigorously, or practicing breath of fire all made me feel fierce. The lack of these activities left me feeling fragile.

I AM NOT FRAGILE! I would hear a voice in me shouting.

I also began to experience a looming fear of losing strength; having dreams of not being strong enough to invert. This was compounded by body dysmorphia with a dread of becoming flabby, which to me is different from having a baby bump. The days passed and I felt myself getting softer.

But then something happened . . .

I have had fairly consistent pain for maybe 12 years now. It comes and goes, sometimes it’s almost unbearable, other times just a mild discomfort. I can attribute all these pains to exact injuries over the years. They live in my right hip flexor, my hamstring insertion, my ribs, in my lower back and one of my knees.

In the quiet moments, particularly when lying awake at night, I sensed a feeling of unwinding taking place. One night, it almost felt as if the bones in my hip were moving. Now this could be attributed to relaxin surging through my body, the hormone that facilitates ligaments stretching for the pelvis to open during childbirth. But I’m not so sure. The changes were all happening exactly in my injury locations. I could feel a tension, an old tension leaving my body. All my pains are gone.

Is this what deep rest does?

Sure I’ve had spells where I was grounded due to injuries, broken bones, torn muscles, et cetera. But when I was injured in one part of my body I would just train a different part. But to stop ALL activity except for walking for three months, now that’s a different game altogether and something I have not done in my 20 years of doing aerials.

Years ago, during a serious bout of pneumonia, my mother, a nurse familiar with my tendencies, told me, “Sarah, remember, doing nothing is DOING something right now. Resting energy is healing energy. The less you do, the quicker your body will heal.”

Did it take these few months of doing nothing for my muscles to have the space to release this tension from injuries of years and years ago? And at that same time the energy I wasn’t expending on aerials was building bones, small, new ones in a little body in my womb.

So, where am I now? I’ve successfully navigated through the first trimester, and my weekly acupuncture appointments have transitioned to monthly ones, with no need for the tea anymore. My practitioner also gave me the tentative go ahead to start to explore more movement, but slowly. I’m into my third trimester now.

No one can REALLY KNOW why this one is still with us. Was it because I stopped all activity? Perhaps it’s linked to the spiritual healing work I undertook just before conceiving again. Or could it be the introduction of animal products into my diet after seven years of being a vegan? Maybe it was the acupuncture and Chinese herbs, or quite possibly it was literally just a lucky roll of the dice.

But no matter what is happening with my fertility journey and why behind it all, I can reflect on one thing. This time of rest has changed me.

I’ve shifted my attention to the benefit of this experience rather than the temporary loss of my passion. I always say that I’m in this for the long game. Expect to see me in the air when I’m pushing 80 years old. Perhaps one of the keys to the long game is switching off the DO mentality, at least from time to time. Sometimes for various reasons your body needs rest. I’ve been doing aerials for 19 years and I’ve NEVER taken a 3 month break.

NOT DOING isn’t the void, it is an opportunity for something else to come in its place. And in my case, I think it is a time of healing which will support my real aerial goal of the long game. Maybe it will mean something else too, someone coming in about 8 more weeks.

I am not fragile, I am fiercely doing the best thing for my sensitive passenger, but also for me.

I AM FIERCE!

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Want to listen to Sarah tell the FULL unedited RAW version?

Check it out on the Expecting Aerialist podcast.

The post Fragile or Fierce – The Great Slow Down appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.

Every day we are one day older.

As an aerialist, you’ll probably be pretty body aware and notice small changes in your body from day to day, week to week, season to season. There’s natural waves that occur; sometimes you’re shredding it and progressing in strength and stamina. This manifests as being able to do new skills or having consistency in achieving your harder skills. Other times you might hit plateaus or setbacks due to fatigue, illness, injury, or losing access to training time or space for a million reasons (LIFE!). We’ve all had to deal with these waves. We are thrilled with the progress, but often troubled by setbacks. Sometimes we have moments of grace and surrender and find ways to be creative and inspired in one of our training dips.

But if you notice a change, large or subtle, that seems to be the new norm, it can be a cause of concern and also frustration. At least that has been my experience as of late. And this has caused me to ask. It this not just the season, but actually because my body is older?

Endurance

I tend to have a lot of stamina and in the past I would train until I ran out of time. Now I train until I run out of energy. This has been a big game changer for me and hard to assess. At first I thought there was something wrong with me, maybe I was more out of shape than I thought, or I wasn’t getting enough nutrition, or maybe I was a little sick and didn’t realize it. Some of my self assessment was rather scathing, thinking I was becoming lazy. I was pretty hard on myself.

But this was different, it didn’t come in waves. I didn’t have good days and bad days. I just felt done sooner and more consistently.

A friend and colleague who happens to be in a 50 year old body wisely said to me:

“You will never again have the body you had.”

And I slowly began to integrate the fact that this is the new me. I could choose to push myself, but then I would need more recovery time. Knowing that I didn’t have a bottomless amount of endurance made it so that I prioritized my training in a different way. This meant spending slightly less time in the studio, but training more intentionally.

But here’s the clincher. I had to adjust not only the way I train, but also my self image. I will no longer be the last one in the air. I’d like to take my friend’s statement, maybe even a little further.

“I am not who I was”

Pain

About 2 years ago I had a back injury. It just seemed to crop up out of nowhere. And I did my normal waiting period of intentional resting. But it didn’t ever go away. It just lingered. I then gave up and just started training again, pushing through the pain, cause I was tired of waiting. But my range of motion was seriously affected and everything still hurt. I then went through a long series of seeking physiotherapy, massage therapy, craniosacral, and chiropractic care. Each of these would help for a bit, but nothing totally fixed it or lasted.

I then thought that maybe the kind of help I needed was not going to be from the outside. I didn’t need to fix an injury. The pain was not going away, which meant my body was trying to communicate something to me. And the fact that it kept screaming meant that I kept hurting it. How was I hurting it? I think it was the pattern of my movement.

I had to change the way I move.

My new plan was to limit working in the end ranges of my movement, take it back to center, and strengthen from my core. The practitioner I chose to work with was a pilates instructor who specifically works with circus artists. I quickly saw how much imbalance existed in my movement patterns. I felt like I was a beginner again. In my classes, I am literally learning how to sit, stand, roll down and turn my torso. I have developed so many compensation patterns over the years that my body has gone haywire.

Do you often (nearly always) hook your right knee on the apparatus? Imagine the torsion over time this creates? I try to be body balanced, always have, but I definitely have a favored side. Does this contribute to my body imbalances? Maybe. But it can also be the mundane things. How we get in and out of the car, how we bend over to pick something up, how we roll out of bed. Bringing an awareness to our body coming from a point of center stability helps us not only in our aerial practice but in life. There are a lot of practices which work on core stability and complement the work we do in circus. I know many circus artists who have benefited from pilates, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, gyrotonics Thai Chi, and so many more.

The Long Game

Practically, the changes I’ve made have been in shortening my training sessions and working on stabilizing my core. But the bigger change has been a shift in my mindset. Rather than being a dictator to my body, I am in partnership with it. I listen deeper and respond with care and patience. I hope to continue to deepen my aerial practice I love so dearly. I have already noticed clear benefits of new levels of body awareness and movement precision.

My friend also reminded me that we do this because we love it. I am inspired me to stop forcing my body to do what it did, but enjoy as much as possible what this body is willing to do now.

There will come a day where I will step off the trapeze for the very last time. It’s not yet and until that day I will enjoy it to the fullest.

Written by Sarah Bebe Holmes at Age 41

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The post A Changing Body appeared first on Paper Doll Militia.